I Want to be a Girly Girl

This is something I wrote in my personal journal during a time when everything seemed to be going wrong. I just couldn't get a break. Before reading this you need to know that I have never considered myself a girly girl. In fact, I grew up being the ultimate tomboy, but when choices are taken away from you, the grass seems to look greener on the other side of the fence.

I WANT TO BE A GIRLY GIRL!!!!

I hate having to deal with all the things I consider to be "man's work."
I don't want to deal with flat tires and bent rims.
I don't want to know the difference between a rim and a hubcap.
I don't want to deal with dead lawnmower batteries.
I don't want to know that lawnmowers need gas and oil.
I don't want to know if black and red mean positive or negative on batteries.
I don't want to know how to use jumper cables.
I don't want to know I can lift an 80 lb. bale of hay.
I don't want to know about fuse boxes.
I don't want to know how to change the flapper thing on a toilet.
I don't want to know how to grill steaks.
I don't want to teach my kids how to drive a stick shift.
I don't want to know when to buy new tires or brakes for the car.
I don't want to know when to add more air to the tires on a car.
I don't want to know how to use an air compressor or a roto tiller.
I don't want to know how to check the propane tank for low fuel.
I don't want to be the one to take my son golfing every time.
I don't want to be the one to interrogate my daughter's dates.

I WANT TO BE A GIRLY GIRL!!!!

I want to smell like flowers, not gas and oil.
I want to buy groceries and have Russ come out when he hears my car because he doesn't want me to carry them in.
I want to have someone tell me I am pretty.
I want to have someone say "do you need a hug?" and let me feel small in their arms.
I want to be woken up with a gentle voice saying "honey, it is time to get up", instead of the blaring alarm reminding me I am responsible for everything for everyone in this family again today.
I want to wake up and smell coffee that I didn't have to make.
I want to have Russ come home and say "the house looks great Tam!"
I want to put on a pretty dress and cute shoes and see Russ say "WOW" with his eyes instead of me always putting on my work boots.
I want to perspire, not sweat.
I want to spend my day meeting friends for coffee and lunch or getting manicures and pedicures and knowing they will stay pretty because I don't have to trim trees, or load trash in the truck and take it to the dump, or search through the barn for manuals on how to use power tools.
I want to be fragile.
I want to be weak.
I want to be tan because I got to sit by the pool, not because I am out doing so much yard work.
I want to teach my daughter not to wear white before Easter or after Labor Day.
I want to teach my daughter to always make sure your shoes match your purse.
I want to be Scarlett O'Hara.
I WANT TO BE A GIRLY GIRL!!!!

I want to end by saying something on a positive note. I am getting more familiar with this life every day, although I don't think it will ever feel comfortable. I heard something a long time ago that I really do repeat to myself every day and that is "The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, the grass is greener where you water it." So true. Don't forget to water your grass today!

The Dash

I have a confession to make - it has been over two years since my husband died and I still have not ordered a grave marker. I tried to do it back in September of 2006. I thought I handled it very well, too. I had the perfect scripture verse picked out, I found a beautiful piece of granite that I knew Russ would really like. I wrested with how I wanted his name. Did I want his birth name - Russell? What his family always called him while growing up - Rusty? Or what he settled on after growing up and starting his carrer - Russ? I finally decided on Russell. I knew I wanted to have his birth date and his death date on the stone - July 19, 1958 - August 26, 2004. I left the monument company feeling like I had put something together that Russ would be proud of. The next step was for the monument company to prepare a computer generated sample of the stone for my approval. I was actually excited about getting it to look at, as if I had ordered something off e-bay and the picture of what I ordered would be coming soon. I was caught completely off guard by my reaction when I received the proof. Honestly, I almost got sick. This was not real again, just a nightmare. All I could focus on was that date - August 26, 2004. It was like a neon sign screaming at me "Your husband is dead!!!" I couldn't go any further with the order. I put the proof away and haven't looked at it again. I wanted the headstone to be so perfect and capture the essence of Russ - someone with high morals, upstanding character, always trying to make others comfortable, kind, sensitive, loyal, hard-working, a great listener, a loving husband, a proud father, a devoted brother, uncle, cousin, son; a people pleaser, always a gentleman, a humorous guy. I felt like I had failed. None of these things were listed on that stone. Just that awful date. Well, now I've got a little time behind me and I am thinking about trying it again. I started wondering what I should change about it this time to try to capture the man Russ was and not focus on that date. Should I leave the date off? I just kept staring at that picture and suddenly it hit me. The essence of Russ was not wrapped up in that death date, or, for that matter, in the birth date. The most important part of his life lay right between those two dates in the dash. The dash is where he became all of those things that made him special. I am going to try it again and I am not going to even look at either of those dates. I am going to stare at that dash with a tear in my eye and a smile on my face and think about a great man.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt